Homesick

It’s been one year today gone from the job that I believed made me, nurtured me, consumed me and at some point, may have almost beat me.  365 days of unsettling regret.  I went to the opposition.  I want to share what have I gleaned in all those seconds, minutes and molecules of soul eating remorse. 

• You cannot take your toolbox with you. You can take some skills and savvy know how, but you better make room for humility and humbleness to grow, relearn and potentially- very likely change your practices that may have served you well.

• It is indeed rather hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I am the vintage pooch in this scenario. How naïve of me to think, I could simply remold my brain and recondition it to operate differently than what it knows. The dismantling and deconstructing of what once was second nature played out painfully in a push-pull negotiations game of tug-of-war.

• The grass is actually not greener. In my new reality, the color hue changed from prisms of rich, robust shades of the rainbow to a monochrome palate of black and white.  The lush green utopia in my mind quickly revealed the harsh realness of unforgiving vapid earth. An aged, parched version of the grandeur I had painted in my mind.

• Maybe…. just maybe…I was wrong.  Stubborn, exhausted and dare I say “burnt out” beyond recognition led to some of the insanity-but does not excuse the behavior. Covid, insecurities, fear, and add in a volatile onset of menopause on that fiery hearth of despair created a toxic environment of simmering sorrow. A crushing chip on the shoulder that ultimately imploded into an anticlimactic departure. 

• I’m dramatic. Yes, did things happen in the way my mind experienced it? Or… did I blow it out of proportion?  Maybe my overworked hippocampus was damaged. The motherboard operating on full tilt combusted under pressure. Perhaps, a reset, control, alt delete – and presto- a reboot could have solved it all.

• Time offers forgiveness. Is that too syrupy? Too lifetime movie? Or is it possible? From my lens, I have moved on. My memory card has only saved the friendships, camaraderie and love and stripped away the darkness, anger, and shame. Like the morning fog that vanishes under the commanding strength of the sun so has the nagging negativity replaced by slivers of unfiltered iridescent hope.

So, with all those lessons uncovered-how do I make my way home? And what is home? Is “home” a moving target definition-an abstract idea that rises and retracts like the mysterious tides of the vast ocean.  Nothing ever felt more like home than my time there. It took me being away a whole year to realize this. 

I am yearning to be my truest self. My authentic being is seeking the final stop in my career destination. The place I speak of made me the nurse I am today. Through my decade and a half there-I was forced to grow, learn, discover, make mistakes, be redirected and in the end-the freedom to leave. Through this year long absence, I have grieved my former community-struggling to find my awkward footing in my new foreign world. I don’t want to keep looking back- not even one more day-in the rear-view mirror of lamentation anymore. 

On this odd-marked anniversary, I ponder my role in the departure.  I mourn my old life in many ways but honor the work I have done. By removing myself from the comforts of inertia, I have learned much. In my different environment-I have realized limitation and restraint. Saying less is genuinely more. I suppose in many ways this is why and how The Aging RN transpired. As I quiet and settle one area of my life, a welcome outlet out of necessity has emerged.    

Change is hard. I foolishly underestimated the impact it would have on me.  As I head over the hump to 1 year and 1 day, I make a promise and commitment to myself. I will honor the place I hold while I lean into what awaits me. I will be present and engaged while I seek my next opportunity- whatever that might be. I will silence the fear and the questioning and make space for openness and curiosity. 

In life, we make choices- we face the unknowing fork in the road. For now, my path in front of me is open with a vast horizon of hope. I will sit back and momentarily savor the view while I plan my next anticipated adventure.